A conversation I had at Lake Merritt with the person I’m dating sparked contemplation in me this week, and the intense ache in my manipura / solar plexus chakra that began that evening persisted for days until I dug much deeper, found my roots, and had a breakthrough about a life-long imbalance of my manipura energy.
First, I realized that the sentiments he shared with me about my overwhelming energy have been brought up by the men in my life throughout, well, my entire life: by my father, by my previous partner whose mother was equally as overwhelming in her exuberance and father a deeply peaceful man, and now by the person that I’ve been dating the last 7 months or so. The major difference being the way in which each person communicated their overwhelment: my father being short-fused and intimidating in the largeness of his anger, my previous partner being either contemptuous or stonewalled, and the guy I’m currently seeing being incredibly gentle in his honest expressions. The first two approaches left me feeling tiny and defenseless, in reaction doing everything in my power to protect my space and energy through deflection (without ever letting the underlying message in), and the latter striking chords of empathy within me (leading me to fully listen, internalize, and reflect on what was being said).
So here is my psychological and spiritual analysis of the facet of my being relating to those sentiments:
Think of it this way: we begin our human-journey as infants, completely helpless in our physicality, crying out to our mothers being the only means of communicating our needs to the external world. Because of the simplicity of our existence during these vulnerable times, when we are not heard, we don’t survive. As our limbs and vocabulary begin to extend beyond the comfort of the crib, and as our mechanisms of survival become more abstract in nature, we still carry the seed of “how to be heard by our mothers” in the hands we reach out to the world with. We adapt to our environment. My mother’s energy was so intensely chaotic and overbearing (imagine a train - without breaks - coming at you full speed) that exhibiting bursts of energy in response became my only means of being heard and not collapsing into nothingness (to little or no avail - I still felt as though I was never heard, seen, or listened to as a child – luckily this relationship has improved).
I do not wish to be reduced to an expression of unconscious, learned behaviors that bleed out into the external world. I do not identify with this aspect of my behavior, nor is it intentional. I completely empathize because as all my defenses (willingly) collapse, I am becoming increasingly sensitive to the noise and chaos of others, and am completely mortified at the thought that I am bringing that into another’s sphere of awareness.
To paraphrase research: the personality / ego that develops through puberty is housed in the solar plexus chakra. The message of the third chakra is: You have the power to choose. You can choose to achieve your life purpose or you can live out your karma or past experiences. Manipura is considered the center of dynamism, energy, will power, self-control, discipline, and achievement, which radiates prana (or Qi, the essential life energy) throughout the entire human body. Associated with the color yellow, this chakra is involved in self-esteem, warrior energy, and the power of transformation; it also governs digestion and metabolism. A healthy-spirited third chakra helps overcome inertia and jump-starts a ‘get-up-and-go’ attitude so it is easier to take risks, assert one’s will, and assume responsibility for one’s life. This chakra is also the location of deep belly laughter, warmth, ease, and the vitality received from performing selfless service.
In order to balance my solar plexus chakra and become a more effective person and leader, I want to have an Intentional Energetic Presence in which I exhibit will over my mode of being versus being an effect of my karmas – in that state I am centered, focused, and in tune with and aware of the way my energy is affecting the people, creatures, and world around me. Contrary to the circumstantial nature of childhood, having the power as adults to be both intentional about our energetic presence and the environments we put ourselves in is extremely empowering.
In my ideal world, we would all communicate telepathically, our energetic states radiating from our being, quietly witnessed in our expansiveness, ceasing to exhibit displays of ourselves in order to be understood and without the necessity of finding words that resonate. My environment growing up told me that is absolutely not the case, so I adapted to that – however, I have discovered that there are gems out there that are more sensitive and in tune with that ideal world of mine – a world in which being is more open and free in its intention, containment, and harmony.
In this constant state of unlearning and becoming, I am continually undergoing this transformative process of sprouting, blossoming, shedding, and withering away as I attempt to break patterns and become the fullest expression of my authentic, highest Self. My wish is that the energy I exude aligns with my innermost being. Inside I feel a thousand years old yet I emit such an adolescent exuberance. I hope to bring these things into a graceful unison. As an individual and vessel, I am blessed to feel a strong connection to Qi (the essential life energy), and rather than uninhibitedly exploding with it, I am striving to consciously harness and direct that powerful source energy into healing (both others and myself), art, and intentional expression. And way down in the depths of my being, the child within me still carries that wish of being understood, seen, and heard. Now I fully have faith that there are much more beautiful ways of existing in regards to both directing Qi and being seen in our most expansive light. I am channeling the healing energies within me and the power of intention for my manipura work. Healing and transformation is the best thing.